Save Yourself First
As much as it pains me to say this, for deep down there is a part of me that refutes this sentiment. The human part of me that paves a road to hell with good intentions. I often wonder if that is even true, can anger and frustration not also motivate one to seek drastic change? As I’ve said before there is only but desire within this vast expansive scape of existence. We inhabit these vessels of flesh that are guaranteed to slowly wither away, yet what is almost always guaranteed to outlast us is the desires we held while in the land of the living. “Old Money” being the desire for control from beyond the grave six feet under in an expensive sarcophagus that will be piled on with dirt. When I die I wish to return back into mother earth fully, to embrace me with elation despite having spent so many hours indoors. But there is still so much I want and desire for that it makes me falsely discern my desires as inherently selfish.
Knowing myself so deeply while I still find myself filtering it through thoughts and beliefs I know to be untrue. In tapping into my own creativity, I’ve scratched an itch that was once forgotten to me. Nurturing each and every idea that comes to me to the best of my ability for they are my children in a sense. At some point they may take on a life of their own beyond the scope of what my feeble human mind is capable of comprehending. I’m far too lazy to go about creating the change I wish to see in the world besides simply being that which I sought for so long. In saving the self I save everyone I ever cross paths with? For my effect on them will reverberate into the very atoms of circumstance…all just for me to see my own reflection? There are those who seek the creator as if they do not live in a room full of mirrors.
But sometimes what bounces back at you are feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness, bitter anger that’s grown into stale resentment towards the self. On the same side of the coin that where you hold all the power, nothing can truly hurt you except yourself. There was a considerable amount of time between the first two paragraphs and this one because I attempted to distract myself as I tend to do. I know I’m not lazy for I cannot truly enjoy leisure. Sometimes I know what not afflicts me with random pangs of sadness but that uncertainty is scary. It’s what I’ve always been fearful of, really. There are so many things I want to do; past me would’ve given up an arm and a leg to be where I am now. So why do I still find myself filled with an overwhelming sense of anguish when I least expect it, which would be never. I’d like to deflect and say it’s all I know but that would be a lie, even when things are going “good” it can still hurt so much. Do I even know what “good” means to me?
In the endless abyss that I perceive to be my own psyche, so vast and expansive yet I find myself alone there, for it is only me. It’s only ever been me and this answer doesn’t satisfy my soul. Oh god I want someone to save me. I know I don’t have to do it alone, but it seems I’ve gone so long experiencing being but an afterthought that deep down I want to cease to exist. Am I just playing a character? Even in the midst of talking to another whom I should hold some semblance of care for, I don’t. No, I can’t. Perhaps in attempting to view everyone as a reflection of myself I’ve only bounced back my own self-loathing and depression. Only a few more attempts and I’ll no longer be able to count them on my digits, the very physical vessel that was built to deteriorate. I’m so tired…I just want to go home.
Then again, none of us ever left home in the first place. Yet as many times as I find myself loving it here, there is a hatred built not even of my own suffering, but of my witnessing of the suffering of others. Being so painfully aware of trauma both consciously and subconsciously occurring in real-time and there is nothing I can do. Oh god I just want to save everyone so badly, I’d ask why but on some level I already know why. I am merely the awareness of the movie playing a character I’ve chosen to play and forget this is so. In this madness there is a method of which I know not how to express. Even if everything is truly random?...Maybe randomness as a human concept is merely a placeholder for deemed incomprehensibility to the feeble human mind. Trying to make sense of something when in fact it was always everything. Desire to break free from physical existence for something more as if this realm matters not. I have quite a number of tools in my arsenal to pull from, some rusty, some barely used, in the box or even misplaced and forgotten. I’ve never left, have I?
I often don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing when it comes to my dreams. I can answer questions that I forgot were even levied onto me in the first place. This degree of awareness, of my potential; I am dreadfully aware that fully understanding does not come until I bounce off my ideas off another. As good a reason as any to find my community, partially why I send these ramblings off into the cyber void. I’ll admit I’m afraid of being vulnerable because at a young age I ever so wrongly learned subconsciously that my needs were too much for others to handle by those whose only job was to do so. I do get angry, not often but enough. Whatever that even means. The furnace cares not what fuels it, it only seeks to consume. But you are not the furnace, you are the very stars looking back at yourself, if only you could see what the stars see as they look upon you. We are limited, we cannot perceive the creation for it perceives us. Up and down are relative, not even in a literal sense is someone above or below another. Just as this flesh vessel heats and eventually will cool down and die, so do the stars.
Do you think they worry about that? If they could. Maybe you just have to think of yourself as a star in the sky for it’s all space. We are literally in space at all times but we don’t often think about it. Oh the pangs of pain I feel as I write this out, tears well in my eyes. Do the stars weep? Do they grieve? Do they judge?...perhaps not. Not one creation is created by mistake, just as the ideas of those who’ve dreamt for a better tomorrow live on within us. That energy had to go somewhere, neither created nor destroyed you see. It is impossible to live a life without influence for the lack of influence in and of itself as just that. Sometimes you hate it and sometimes you love it just the same. But it’s the same feeling, just different in degree, no? A giant spectrum scale that lets you choose where to plop yourself down into the vast expansive plane of reality. Exploring whatever themes your heart desires. I don’t believe there is such a thing as complete independence. Even an unhoused individual relies on Mother Earth to simply exist to plant their feet onto her for just like you, just like me, just like them for we are her children. Do you have a favorite song that brings you joy even in your hardest moments? When you feel like everything is falling apart it is there. One depends on people, places, and things they don’t even know they will someday.
It wouldn’t even be possible to yearn without the collective in that vast expanse of things to choose from in the first place. I know not where it started nor how it will end, but one thing I know for certain is. Stop asking and worrying why or even how. Just ask yourself what it is you even want for yourself. You’re not lazy, because a lazy person would relish in it. A topic for another day, but I don’t believe laziness even exists. By the divine, oh how we complicate the complex in an attempt to make it more simple. There are days I want to give up and burn it all down yet this desire cannot exist if there was nothing to burn down in the first place. Yes, I know I’ve used that to end a sentence 4 times already but, I simply don’t care. You get what I’m telling you surely. If not, then, another time, surely. Or not at all, I don’t know why you came here. Some people come here to just have a nap and that’s fine too. Sometimes I envy those who get to play the game without being aware of it; in the same way I also don’t because it’s a cyclic reflection. What reflection do you want to become privy to?
As much as I’d like for you to understand things as I have come to do so, I cannot and there will be no fruit to bear for such an endeavor. I can only levy unto you questions and ruminations that come off as ramblings. Very recently as of writing this, I’ve come to accept that there is a part of me that genuinely hates myself despite my ceaseless desire for wisdom hoping that by seeking outside of myself I will be whole. A tale as old as time itself, yet the answers I sought were right in front of me the entire time, I just needed to truly pay attention. Finding yourself truly in the present moment and you may see it too. The divine rhythm of creation, for we are all caught in its inescapable dance even if you try to go against it. The mere notion of being out of sync is ridiculous. Is it not? It’s so easy to attach ourselves to said fleeting feeling when there is a constant right before our eyes that goes on whether we are aware of it or not. When I see it, I get teary eyed, and I think to myself how silly it is of me to hate myself when I am but a drop in the very ocean I admire so deeply. It’s all so painfully perfect, as are you and have always been.
Sincerely, Astrid~